I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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