He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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