This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
