I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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