i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
