It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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