Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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