After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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