A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
