You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So here I am, sexting at work.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
