I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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