I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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