a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
