well I can't set my house on fire every night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
