I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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