so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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