We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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