Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
