You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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