he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize