It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
