What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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