Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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