Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
