I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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