I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
tell me about the eggs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
