There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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