I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize