They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
