We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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