Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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