I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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