did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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