dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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