Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
