there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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