some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
