I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
