These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize