When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
