just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
