Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
