the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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