I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
