There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
