fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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