I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
