I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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