Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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