So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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