I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
