I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
