I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
