No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
