I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
