i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
