This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
