Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
