Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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