Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So vagazzling was a success
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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