3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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