Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
