I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
