we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
